


Nothing Is Infinite, Not Even Loss.

by Lily_rizzy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Cheating, Heartbreak, I'm Sorry, M/M, Phone Calls, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-29 08:46:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10850517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_rizzy/pseuds/Lily_rizzy
Summary: The conversation between Aaron and Robert after he tells him he slept with Rebecca.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry! This is very angsty, so please do not read if you won't like that!

_I slept with Rebecca. I’m so sorry Aaron._

  
He had been washing up, stood at t _heir_ sink in the kitchen of _their_ new house, about to start washing _their_ dishes, when his husband admitted to sleeping with another woman. His ex-wife’s sister.

  
He turned to look at him, still unsure if he had heard right. He expected to be met with Robert’s smiling face, laughter, but instead, the look of anxious guilt he saw told Aaron all he needed to know. His hopes of having misheard were destroyed.

  
“What?” He asked, as though he was confused, as though he didn’t know what was coming.

  
Robert repeated it. Robert, his _husband_ , looked into his eyes and said, “I slept with Rebecca.”

  
His stomach fell what felt like 100 feet to the floor and an instant feeling of nausea, like he was going to throw up all over _their_ new kitchen floor, washed over him. He fell back against the sink and for a moment, wished it hadn’t been there, so he could have just kept falling. Instead, it steadied him, but it was comfort he didn’t want from an appliance that was as much Roberts as it was his.

  
Aaron looked down at the floor running the words over in his head. Robert was silent, except for tiny sobs Aaron heard escaping his chest. He didn’t know when Robert had started to cry, but it made him angry. He looked up at him, sharply.

  
“Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke, Robert.”

  
Roberts face immediately dissolved into a panic at the coldness, the steel in Aaron's tone. His mouth started to move but no words came out, he just looked back at Aaron. The small gap between their bodies felt like miles of ocean, and Aaron had never been a good swimmer.  

  
“Aaron, baby, please just listen, I-” Robert began, taking a cautious step towards him.

  
“If you tell me, ‘you can explain,’ Robert, I swear I’m going to fucking lose it!” Aaron broke him off, the anger throbbing in his temples so loud, he had to shout above it. Aaron hadn’t been aware how angry he truly was until that moment. Was Robert really going to give him cliché answers to questions that just under two years ago, had been asked by his wife about Aaron himself?

  
Robert ran his hands through his hair and muttered, “fuck,” under his breath before continuing, “Babe, come sit down on the sofa, we can talk properly.”

  
“You know I’d rather stand thanks.” Robert snapped his mouth shut. They stared at each other like children in a game, until Robert started, again,  
“I- I don’t know what to tell you. It was when you were in prison and we had that massive fight about the drugs. I thought we were over Aaron, you have to understand, I was heartbroken.” Aaron scoffed, rolling his eyes.

  
“So heartbroken you jumped into bed with your ex? The same ex I worried about you-“ Aaron broke off and put his fists to his eyes. He couldn’t speak about his biggest insecurities that had proven to be true. He would not show Robert the tears that were threatening to spill over.

“It was the worst mistake of my life, Aaron. It meant nothing to me.”

  
Aaron sniffed, wiped his eyes and then looked back up at Robert.  
“Aren’t they the same words you used with Chrissie? You know, you’re _really_ good.” He laughed while Robert just shrunk even more into himself. “You made me think that I really was _special_ that you really did _love_ me.”

  
“Aaron I do love you.” It was almost a whisper.

  
“No, you don’t. I doubt you even fucking prefer me, over all the other hopefuls you’ve pulled into your bed. I just managed to cling to your life past my sell by date, didn’t I? I should have seen it coming.” The words sounded bitter to Aarons own ears, but he was tired of being built back up and then torn back down again but this same man for years. Was this what people in love were really meant to do to each other?

  
“Aaron that’s not true! You’re being ridiculous, I love you more than anything, I married you-"

  
“Married me! That’s a joke isn’t it,” Aaron couldn’t help the tears now, “You married Chrissie and you screwed around on her and then you married me and screwed around on me. What is it they say? Oh yeah; once a cheat always a cheat, Robert.”

  
“No Aaron, if you hadn’t been in prison, if we hadn’t had that fight, it wouldn’t have happened” Robert exclaimed, his voice rising higher and higher in his determination.

  
“Oh, so it's my fault now? Tell me, was she better than me? Was it worth it?”

  
“Aaron stop, please. She’s nothing compared to you.” 

“Where was it?” Robert fell silent. Aaron didn’t think it was possible for him to look any more guilty than he already did, but then again, Aaron had been wrong about a lot of things these days. Realisation washed over him, like ice cold water and the feeling of sickness threatened to become more than simply a feeling. He reeled around and braced himself on the counter facing the sink, his back turned to Robert.  
“In our bed?” He choked out. 

“Aaron, please. I, I’m sorry.” But Aaron wasn’t listening anymore, images swimming in front of his eyes. Robert kissing her, the same smile on his lips as when he kissed Aaron. Robert holding her, running his hands up her body, fucking her in the same bed Aaron dreamed about coming home to. 

With sudden resolve, Aaron decided that no, this wasn’t what people in love did to each other. The unbearable pain that pressed against the inside of his chest was not something he would wish upon his worst enemy. People in love did not destroy each other like this.  
He laughed again, a hollow laugh.  
“You’ve had both of us in the same bed. Does it give you the same thrill that having both her and Chrissie at the same time gave you?” He asked, defeated.

“It doesn’t give me anything but guilt and regret and pain Aaron! I would do anything to take it back, you have to know that! I love you!”

“Then why are you telling me? Why now?” Aarons' voice was tiny.    
He didn’t realise Robert had been approaching until he felt his hand on his shoulder. He spun around, moving away from the hand as though it was fire, burning his skin and permanently branding him a victim of Robert Sugden's, ‘love.’  
Robert had tear stains down his cheeks and more pools of tears glistening in his eyes, threatening to spill over. His hair was sticking in all different directions where his hands had racked through it, his telltale sign of anxiety Aaron had come to know. He looked broken. 

He looked beautiful. 

Aaron, if he was being honest, could hardly blame him for looking elsewhere, for seeking something else, anyone other than Aaron. What he was truly angry at was Roberts convincing lies and himself for falling for them. He would never be enough for a man like this.  
“Are you leaving me for her?” He said in a quiet voice.  
Robert looked like someone had physically hit him and caused him great pain. Good, thought Aaron, see what it feels like.  

“Aren’t you listening to me? I love you, Aaron! She is nothing.”

“Then why are you telling me?” The question seemed to break Robert down to even smaller pieces of himself. 

“Aaron, please let me hold you,”

“Why, Robert,” and if Aaron could have taken a step back, he would have.

“Please, I don’t want to do this like this, can’t we sit down,” Robert stalled. 

“Robert!” Aarons' voice carried to all corners of the empty room Aaron realised would never look the same to him again. Would he still live here come the morning? Would Robert?

“She’s pregnant, Aaron.”

  
Time stood still for just a moment. Aaron felt as though he was watching everything he ever had, every domestic object in this house they owned, every plan for the future, every ridiculous hope that he would finally have happiness, fall away to reveal nothing but an image of Robert and baby that Aaron was no part of, in a life he didn't belong.

Aaron spun around and vomited into the sink. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do not read if you're expecting a happy ending! Hope you enjoy!x

“You’re going to have a _child_ with her.”

  
Aaron had finished coughing and had retched until there was nothing more to come up. His head was still bent over the sink and it wasn’t long before the smell and sight of sick began to make him feel queasy again, as though Roberts betrayal was now set on assaulting all of his senses.

  
“Yes.” Aaron could no longer feel Roberts presence close behind him, so he must have stepped away from Aaron to give him space, or maybe it was because he was disgusted by Aaron's response to his news.  Either way, he was no longer trying to touch and comfort him.

  
The last little hope Aaron had for forgiveness felt like the last light in a dark room being switched off. He missed it immediately.

  
He knew now that forgiveness would be far beyond his capabilities. How could he forgive Robert when soon he would have to look at, even be a stepfather to the evidence of Roberts decision to, for one night, want anyone other than Aaron.

  
“I- She was going to get an abortion. I wanted her to, I-” Of all the things Aaron thought Robert might say, this was not one. He turned quickly to look at him.

  
“But it’s _your_ child, Robert.” Aaron was stunned that Robert thought this was a simple solution. “This is the one thing I-”

 _The one thing I can’t give you, even if I wanted to. Even if you wanted it._ But he couldn’t say it. It would hurt too much to speak out loud to Robert more evidence of his inadequacy.

  
“But I don’t _want_ it, Aaron. Not with her.” Robert wasn’t stood as far away as Aaron had felt, but it was a distance Aaron knew would only grow to be more until they felt worlds apart.

  
Robert was going to have a child with someone else. The thought made him want to smash their wedding photo, sat so beautifully on the coffee table, into a million pieces. It made him want to sink down to the floor, put his head in his hands and bawl.

  
Instead, he opened his mouth.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you slept with her in our bed! I mean… what am I meant to do Robert? Forgive you?” Aaron's words were coming out in a heated rush. A _child_. His husband was going to have a child with someone else. It felt like this knowledge was there just behind his eyelids, in neon letters every time he blinked. It drove him to carry on. “Don’t you think this is getting to be a bit of a joke now. I mean out of everything you’ve done to me… I felt like in some twisted way I could always justify it, make excuses for you. But this, Robert? This has nothing to do with love or fear and everything to do with your own selfishness. How am I going to look at myself in the mirror knowing I’m married to a man who started a _family_ with someone else.” He wasn't aware his hands had clenched into fists until he felt his nails dig into the palms of his hands and had to force himself to relax them.

  
“Aaron, please, you’re the only person I want a family with. If I could change it, I would. You’re what I want.” Robert looked frightened, but not because of Aaron's aggressive stance. It was as though the weight of his decisions were hitting him, bit by bit, and he knew they would soon be too heavy for him and they would both be crushed beneath them.

  
“Do you not realise what you’ve done Robert. You’ve taken dreams, fantasies I didn’t even know I had and you’ve shattered them. Did you not think that one day, maybe I’d want a family with you?”

  
“We still can!” The image of Aaron and Robert, and a child of their own made Aaron want to curl into a ball when he realised now, it would never happen. The loss of a life he didn’t even know he wanted.

  
“What, and know that everything we did, you’d have done it already with her, and her child,” Aaron's grief made him quieter, but still just as vicious. “To know, any child we did have, would be your second and my first. I mean, I know we’ve never talked about kids but it doesn’t mean you go and create one with the first bimbo you can find!”

  
Roberts expression told Aaron he was having the same thoughts of a child that was theirs in his mind now and then feeling the loss of them. “I’ll have nothing to do with it then if that’s what you want.”

  
Aaron scoffed. “What, and have you resenting me because I didn’t let you be a part of their life? Spend the rest of my life knowing I deprived a child of their dad.” Could Robert really believe he would ask that of him? “I know I don’t have a brilliant track record when it comes to fathers, Robert, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to fucking step up and be one.”

Aaron was exhausted. He put his head in his hands, and all his breath left him in one long shudder. How long had he been holding it in? It almost felt as though time had stopped, as though this argument would continue forever until it found some sort of resolve and life would begin again. As though he could only live and time could only go on, if he found a way to forgive or walk away, without feeling as though he had more to say.  

  
Aaron realised Robert had been talking and that Aaron hadn’t been listening. What could Robert say? Aaron racked his brains for something Robert could announce or something he could do that would give Aaron an excuse to forgive. A reason they should be allowed to continue with the life they had slowly begun to build together, with no love lost or bitterness felt.  

  
He did this over and over, and each time the remembrance of a child would come like a burn to the centre of his chest.

  
“What if it had been me?” Aaron asked quietly. He hadn’t planned on asking that, but somewhere, between his desperation to claw back to their life 30 minutes or more ago, and his primal need to hurt Robert back, it slipped out.

  
“What?” Robert looked confused. Whatever Robert had been expecting Aaron to say, it hadn’t been that.  

  
“I said, what if it had been _me_ ,” Aaron's voice got increasingly louder and crueller with each syllable. “What if I had done to you what you’ve done to me. What if my ex came back to the village and I _fucked_ him in our bed, in our house, surrounded by our things.” Robert looked like Aaron had slapped him round the face and punched him in the gut all at once. Aaron saw looks of pain, anger, and betrayal flash across his face in different successions. A small, bitter, part Aaron was pleased by this. He wanted Robert to know how it felt, to feel like you had lost everything important, all at once.

  
“I-I would forgive you, Aaron,” Robert said quietly. This wasn't what Aaron wanted to hear.

  
“Shall I do it then? Make us even, yeah?”

  
Robert turned around and braced his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands. Aaron thought he was going to throw up, all over their new floor. _That’s going to be a pain for us to clean_ , he thought, and then he was angry with himself for seemingly believing that there was still some chance of salvaging this marriage.  Who cared about the stain on the carpet in a kitchen Aaron may never use again?

  
“I would let you.” Robert finally choked out. He didn’t look at Aaron, didn’t turn around again to face him. “The thought of someone else, touching you, kissing you- being _inside_ you, makes me want to throw up, scream and punch that other person all at the same time. But if it would fix this then-"

  
“Is it that easy for you Robert?! If it really is then maybe I am right and you don’t love me as much as you say.” He didn’t want Robert to feel as though he could come to terms with it and accept it. He wanted Robert to imagine it as though, it was the last thing on earth he wanted, and yet it had happened anyway and it had ruined him.

  
“What am I supposed to do, Aaron?! I can’t tell you not to do it, I deserve to be hurt the same way I’ve hurt you. If you truly want to be even, then-"

  
“I want you to be honest. Could you really let me sleep with someone else? Let me flirt with them, give them the same looks I give you across the bar? Let me chat them up, convince them to come home with me? Let me crawl back into bed with you afterward, touch you with hands I used to touch him. Kiss you with a mouth that had been wrapped around someone else's co-“

  
“Enough!” Robert exploded, quickly turning and walking a few paces towards Aaron before stopping. “You win, okay! No, I wouldn’t want you to do it! Please, I can’t stand the thought of it.” He was pulling at his hair.

  
“Now you know how I feel.”

  
There was a long silence then. Robert moved and sat down on the sofa. There was no noise between them except the sound of the wind whistling through the windows.

Aaron couldn’t help but think of memories of the last few weeks. Being released and coming home to his husband, their picnic and opening up to each other. Lazy Sunday mornings in bed. Their _honeymoon_ , ridiculously lavish but at the same time perfect. The feeling of Roberts fingers trailing against his spine in the early hours of the morning, waking Aaron up nicely. The sound of Robert tapping a teaspoon against a mug as he made Aaron a brew, always putting half a sugar more in than Aaron claimed to want. The feeling, the taste, of Roberts, kisses as he pressed Aaron up against the nearest wall or door to make quick work of his clothes. These were kisses Aaron had always thought of as belonging to him, just as early morning, half-awake Robert and late night, breathy, panting Robert belonged to him. Now he realised, they belonged no more to him than they did to Rebecca.

  
“I would do anything for you, Robert. I _have_ done everything for you. I mean, I covered a murder for you. I was your bit on the side for months, I risked my family turning their back on me for you. I- I put myself back together, for you.”

  
“I know.” Robert was sat with his head in his hands, his palms pressed harshly against the sockets of his eyes. Aaron didn’t stop.

  
“Why Robert. Why would you- why would you come into my life, why would you promise so much to take it all away. I never _wanted_ any of that until I met you. I was content with myself the way I was. I thought, I’ve had my time with Jackson, that’s what I get in this life and that was _okay_ with me, it really was. But then you show up, and through everything, all the pain, you make me feel like _this_ is my lot in life. You and me. You let me believe that I was going to have real passion and real love again and that, even better, I was going to have it ‘till death do us part.’” He let out a shaky laugh but tears were steadily rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t care anymore. “Why did you marry me, Robert.”

  
Robert looked up at Aaron, Roberts eyes burning into his. “Aaron, _you’re_ my lot in life, and I know it took a long time for me to realise that but you are. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, even if I didn’t know it. I have never loved anyone the way I love you.”

  
It wasn’t enough.

  
“When you slept with her, you destroyed the man I fell in love with. The life we were going to have.” Roberts faced crumpled.

  
“But what’s worse, you destroyed the _me_ I was just beginning to like.”

  
Robert sobbed softly as Aaron's words sunk in, before pleading into his hands, “I don’t know what to say to you, Aaron. Please just, tell me what to do to make this better.”

  
“I don’t know if you can.” Aaron was just as much a sniffling mess.

  
“Of course, I can! We’ve got through worse, we can get through this!” Robert was stood up now, and this time it was his hands that balled into fists.

  
“No Robert. That’s the funny thing is, despite everything, this is the worst thing you’ve ever done to me. This is what I leave you over.”

  
Robert started pacing up and down the length of their kitchen. His hands were on his face, rubbing his eyes as though he was trying to convince himself that when he stopped a different scene would materialise before him.

  
“So, you’re leaving me.”

  
He sounded horrified. His voice cracked and it sounded like it took everything in Robert to force the words out. Aarons silence was deafening. Within a flash, Robert was over to him and on his knees in front of Aaron.

  
“Please, Aaron, I’m begging you. I know I’ve _fucked_ up, I know I’ve ruined everything. But please, just give us another chance. You can’t leave me, I married you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can’t do this without you, Aaron, I’m begging you, I’ll do anything, just _don’t leave me_.”

  
Aaron forced himself to stare at the wall, to not look down at Roberts' face.  
“I think you should pack a bag, Robert. Go and stay with Vic.”

  
“No! Aaron, I’m not leaving! Not until we agree to sort this out!”

  
Aaron didn’t say anything. He just took the ring on the fourth finger of his left hand off and placed it carefully on the kitchen counter. It still made an awful noise.

  
Roberts' eyes grew wide and he looked stunned, broken.

  
Aaron ignored him. He stepped past Robert, still kneeling on the floor and walked up the stairs towards their bedroom.

  
If Robert wasn’t going to pack a bag, then Aaron would do it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you liked it! It's very angsty, but I honestly can't see them coming to a resolve immediately after Aaron finding out. I'm thinking of continuing this story for more chapters if enough people are interested.  
> Thanks so much for reading! I truly hoped you enjoyed.  
> Please leave comments and kudos, I love to hear back from you xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron keeps calling Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't leave this alone! I really hope you enjoy x

It’s been two weeks since Robert left.

He’s been playing that night over in his head, playing it on a constant loop hoping to find some sign that Aaron is willing to _try_. Every time he closes his eyes he can see Aaron's stony face, can hear his cold words tell Robert to get out, and not come back. 

He had scrambled up from the floor, had rushed up the stairs after Aaron to find him throwing Roberts clothes messily into a suitcase. He was eerily calm, content almost. Aaron had always been a crier but his eyes were dry now, the only evidence of his uncertainty was the slight trembling of his hands as he tugged shirt after shirt out of their wardrobe. 

Robert had begged and pleaded some more for Aaron to change his mind, for them to really talk about this and not just scream and wound each other with vicious words that couldn’t be taken back. Aaron's resolve hadn’t wavered. 

_Leave Robert. It’s over._

So, he’d gone.

* * *

 

He was staying with Vic. It was awkward, with neither Vic and especially not Adam being happy with what he had done. A small part of him had wanted to go back to the pub, as though Chas would ever let him seek refuge there. He just wanted to still feel close to Aaron, in any way possible, and well… Chas had _almost_ been like a mum to him. But he’d gone and fucked that up as well.

He was slowly beginning to make a tally of his potential losses.

He had called Rebecca, told her that Aaron knew and that he had kicked Robert out. She had seemed genuinely sympathetic, if not a little smug. She told him she was going to stay with some friends down South for a few weeks, to get her head cleared and come to terms with her decision to become a mum. Robert was glad, he was in no state to be supportive.

Aaron had told Adam, seemingly the day after Robert left, if the drunk, angry state Adam came home in was anything to go by.  
“You slept with _Rebecca!_ ” He had spat at Robert the moment he saw him. His hands were balled into fists and he had looked ready to swing for Robert. _Please,_ Robert had thought, _i_ _t’s the least I deserve._

He had ignored Adams question, “You’ve seen Aaron?” Robert had text, called, left hundreds of messages. Not one answer.

Adam had scoffed. “Yeah, I’ve seen him. You know, he’s in absolute bits because of you, Robert! How could you do that to him!" 

“I- Is he okay?” 

“Are you deaf! I’ve just said he’s in bits-"

“No!” shouted Robert desperately, “I mean… is he-” Robert was scared to ask, terrified by the possibility of having added another wound to the man he loved so completely. 

“Spit it out!” Adams had demanded.

“Is he hurting himself.” 

Adams' face had fallen and in that instant, he seemed to sober up significantly. “No. Thank God. Maybe he’s finally realised you’re not worth it.”  
And with that, he had shouldered past Robert and headed up the stairs.

Robert never did get that punch.

* * *

 

A few nights later, Adam had come home sober. He walked straight over and stood in front of Robert where he was sat on the sofa and held out his fist. 

“Aaron told me to give you this back.” 

He dropped Aaron's wedding ring on Roberts lap. 

For a few seconds, Roberts world had seemed to stop and play out in slow motion. He stared down at the ring and wondered how a bit of expensive metal had the power to rip the breath from his lungs and set the room around him spinning. If he melted it down to a pool of nothing but molten liquid, would seeing it away from Aaron's' finger still feel this raw? 

“What did he say?” Robert had whispered, picking it up and running his fingers over its cool, smooth surface. Was this how Aaron had felt when Robert had taken his off, all those months ago? A sudden thrum of longing ran through his body, of how he wanted to claw his way back to those days and do everything _so_ differently. 

“He said you’d want it for your next gullible idiot,” Adam had said. Roberts' eyes snapped up, away from the ring to Adams face.

“He…” Robert couldn’t finish. _He honestly thought that?_ His throat had closed up and begun to throb. _I should have expected this_ , He had thought. 

“I’m-” Adam seemed to hesitate and for the first time showed Robert something other than hatred. “I’m sorry, but he says it’s over, Robert.” 

* * *

 

Robert had always wondered if it was possible to self-destruct so much you truly ruined yourself beyond repair. His bad habits had always gotten him into trouble, but it was nothing he couldn’t overcome eventually, with a little hard work and a lot of charm.

Robert had always wondered if it was truly possible to break your own heart. 

Now he knew.

* * *

 

It's been two weeks. Still, no word from Aaron.

He wants to go round and see him, more than anything, but Aaron's coldness towards the end of their last night together, along with the message the ring currently sitting in his jean pocket sent, stop him. He knows he needs to give Aaron space, give him time. He owes that to him, at least. If he has any hope of patching up the hole in this boat then he needs to buy himself time by bailing out the water first.

He knows Adam is keeping an eye on him if the number of times he has come home drunk after seeing him is anything to go by. Robert finds comfort in that he knows Aaron isn’t alone.  

He's avoided all Dingles possible, has barely left Vic’s spare room by working at home and keeping a low profile. The last thing he wants right now is the whole village knowing, butting in and pushing Aaron impossibly further away than he already is

But his resolve to give Aaron space is crumbling. He needs to see him. 

He has text and called Aaron every day. Sometimes more than once. In the first, sent the night he left, he had tried to be calm, to prove to Aaron that they _could_ work through this.  
  
_31st May 2:31 am Robert:_  
_I know I’ve fucked up, Aaron. I know you probably hate me right now and I don’t blame you. But please, don’t let this ruin us. I’m gonna do everything I can to make this up to you, to prove to you that I can be the man you married. I love you, Mr Sugden. R x_  
  
He had hoping Aaron’s anger would fade, that he would sleep on it and message Robert in the morning. That he would be more willing to talk then. He had sat in his car outside Vic’s until 5 am, twitching and grabbing for his phone every time an email notification vibrated it. He had eventually passed out, only to have to wake again an hour later for work. He was glad nobody noticed he was in the same clothes as the day before.  

Over the days his texts had gotten progressively more worried, desperate and sometimes verging on angry.  
  
_8th June 3:45 pm Robert:_  
_Aaron, please. It’s been over a week and I’ve heard nothing from you. If it wasn’t for Adam, I’d be worried you weren’t looking after yourself. You can’t shut me out, Aaron. I’m not going anywhere._  
  
There were times when he wonders if Aaron even reads the messages, or if he just deletes them as soon as he see's Roberts name. There are awful times, usually late into his nights in Vic's spare room, when Robert wonders if Aaron truly has gone through with his suggested vengeance, and is sleeping with someone else. Were the nights Adam came home drunk, the same nights he had been out keeping Aaron company while he tried to pick up strangers? Were they the same nights Aaron took someone back to their _home_ and let them fuck him on _their_ bed?

Robert doesn't miss the irony. He knows he has no right to feel jealous, to feel cheated. It’s only what he has done to Aaron. But the thought of it makes him want to storm straight into their house, rip whoever was near Aaron away from him and make him see that Robert was who he was meant to be with. 

* * *

 

The silence from Aaron is the biggest reason Robert thinks he must have somehow slipped into dreaming when, at 3 am, two weeks after Robert had left, Aaron's name appears on his phone. 

_Aaron Calling…_

He moves quicker than he thought possible, scrabbling with the phone embarrassingly before pressing the answer button and holding it to his ear.  
“ _Aaron,_ ” He breathes out, relief flooding his veins. 

Nothing. 

“Aaron? Babe, are you there?” 

Silence. 

Robert holds the phone away from his face, heart sinking, thinking Aaron must have hung up, but he hasn’t. The seconds of the call are ticking by, slowly. 

“Aaron, can you hear me?” He tries again. 

He can hear Aaron's breathing if he focuses. The steady, slow, in out, in out, rhythm he has gotten used to sleeping next to in the last year. He had never before thought it possible to miss something so greatly, that before he probably would have considered nothing more than just white noise. 

Aaron is there. He just isn’t talking. 

“Aaron, I- Aaron, I’m so sorry, I-"

It's all he manages to get out before Aaron hangs up.  
  


* * *

 

He calls again the next night.

“Aaron?” Robert tries cautiously. Again, there's no reply. Just the same steady in-out breathing. 

“Aaron, please say something.” Robert's desperate to hear his voice. He doesn't care if it's angry or hurt, he just wants _something_.

“I miss you. God, I miss you. I- I don’t know what to do to make this right, but I swear I’m going to do everything I can Aaron, I-"

Aaron hangs up.  
  


* * *

 

The next night when Aaron calls, Robert tries something different. 

“I miss you, Aaron. I’d do anything to be able to come back home, sort things out. You don’t know how many times I’ve had to stop myself marching over and demanding you speak to me.”

He hopes a more forceful approach will elicit an angry response back, a scoff, anything. Nothing. Robert can't even detect a change in Aaron's breathing. 

“I- I know you need time. That’s why I’ve stayed away. I’m- I’m trying to do the right thing, Aaron, but you need to know, being away from you is _killing_ me.”

Nothing. 

Robert can feel fear prickling at his spine, spreading upwards and outwards to his limbs as though it's poisoning him. He's beginning to question whether Aaron will ever talk to him again. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Aaron. You can call and not say a word as many times as you want. Hell, you can do it for the next 20 years and I’ll still answer every bloody time. I love you, and I’m in this for the long. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you then I will.” 

Robert doesn't realise tears have been building up until he blinks and they slip down his cheeks. For a split second, he could swear he hears a shift in Aaron's breathing, as though it's coming quicker. 

“Aaron?” He questions, desperate for a reply. 

Three frustrating beeps signalling the end of the call answer him. 

* * *

 

When Aaron next calls, Robert is drunk. 

He knows it's a bad move answering, that he will probably say something he'll regret, but how much more can he possibly fuck this up?

“Aaron!” He slurs happily into the phone, “I’ve been looking forward to our chat all day.”

In his head, he imagines how Aaron would quietly laugh at his poor attempt at a joke, had this been another situation. _Had this been another life._

“I miss you so much. And I know, I know I keep saying it and you must be getting sick of it, but these few weeks, Aaron, these few weeks… well, they’ve just been horrible! The worst of my life. Well that, and you going to prison.” He's rolling his words clumsily around his mouth before tripping over them in an effort to get them out before he passes out. 

“I miss your laugh. That little sly one, the one where every time you do it, I feel like it’s just for me and Liv.” _Liv_ , he suddenly thinks, through the haze. “Have you told her, Aaron? Does she hate?” He thinks of the tearaway teenager he’s learned to love just as much as Aaron over the last few months. His heart breaks a little more at the thought of her disappointment. Will _she_ ever talk to him again? 

“Do _you_ hate me?” His chest tightens in anticipation of an answer. The number of times Aaron has said it over their relationship, this could be the first time Robert truly believes it. 

Silence. 

“Yeah, well, you can’t hate me any more than I hate myself, Aaron.” He mutters, then, “You know I wish you’d _say_ something to me. I feel like I’m suffocating under your silence, I know I deserve it but I’m… I’m stuck in the middle here. I don’t know if it’s over. Is it over, Aaron? Is this you making me suffer, make me think I’ve got a chance just to take it away again when you stop calling?”

This time, even through the spinning room and the pounding in his head, Robert hears the click of the phone. 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry about last night,” he says, as soon as he picks up the phone to Aaron the next night, “I was just… well drunk.” He’s hoping Aaron will understand just how lost, just how desperate Robert feels stuck in this purgatory.  

“I- I fucking miss you, Aaron.” He breathes out in a half laugh, “I know it’s all I keep saying these days, but it’s true. I miss you like I’d miss breathing, I can’t function without you, Aaron. It takes everything in me just to get out of bed. I miss _staying_ in bed with you, enjoying you. I miss holding you while you cum, moaning my name.” He stops, wanting to see if this will be too much for Aaron, if he’ll put the phone down and not call back tomorrow. He still hears Aaron's breathing.  
 

He continues, “Do you remember the night we finally got to celebrate our engagement? When you got out of the hospital and were finally well enough. God, Aaron, I’ve never felt so close to someone in my life.” He’s stirring in his boxer shorts, know it’s more than bad timing, but he’s missed Aaron's touch. He’s sure this time, that he hears Aaron's breath hitch. 

“I want you so much, Aaron,” he breathes into the phone, “I want to be inside of you, I want you all around me.” He starts rubbing the front of his boxers now, trying to relieve some of the strain. “I want to put my hands all over you, touch every inch of you. I want to watch you come apart, I want to make you come using my mouth and then do it all again with my cock inside you.” He has himself in his hand now and is stroking with intent. 

“I need you, babe. I can’t wait to get home and-“ 

He stops dead, as though someone has poured a bucket of cold water over him and ice is beginning to freeze the blood in his veins. For a tiny, blissful moment he had slipped into an alternate universe, one where he was away on business and they were having phone sex. Where he knew that the separation was temporary and that soon he’d return to Aaron and make good on all his promises of pleasure. Then they would hold each other, and Aaron would eventually get up to turn their crappy fan on. They would fall asleep next to each other, legs kicked out from under the covers. There would be no desperation to hold each other, unless they were in the mood, because they were going to have this forever.

Robert breaks down. Small, soft sobs shake out of his chest. He feels the same feeling he has felt every morning when he opens his eyes and is shocked to see Vic’s ugly spare room wallpaper staring him in the face. Loss. Over and over again, the gut-wrenching feeling of losing something so precious through utter carelessness. Will he ever get over it? Will he ever get used to the feeling of Aaron's ring, weighing heavy in his pocket, instead of seeing it on Aaron's' finger where it belonged? 

“I can’t believe I’m never coming home.” 

This time, it's Robert who puts the phone down.

* * *

 

The next night when Aaron calls, Robert still does not hesitate to answer. He knows he probably should. He should start trying to get used to a life without him. But he had meant what he had said to Aaron; Aaron could call for the next 50 years and Robert would always answer. 

“Hello, Aaron,” he murmurs.

"Robert,” comes Aaron's, soft, unsure voice, “I- I think you should come home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, I really hope you liked this addition! Will probably do one more chapter, but I'm still doing exams so may take a while.  
> Please leave kudos and comments, they're always so so appreciated!  
> P.S sorry for any wront tense's, I do really struggle with that! xx

**Author's Note:**

> I just started a tumblr   
> [Link text](https://between-twolungs.tumblr.com/)  
> find me here!  
> xxx


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